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Testimonies Sr Paulina Manappu csc
Sr Paulina Manappu csc
I am ever grateful that God placed me in a loving family where he made me to pronounce his name and fed me with his scripture. Later he called me as his own. Being the youngest child in the family I received the most and enjoyed my life with my 5 sisters and 2 brothers. I remember while I was growing, my parents had financial difficulties but there was no poverty at all of love and faith. I started to attend daily Mass when I was 4 years old. We were a happy family and always encouraged to trust in God whatever the circumstances that arose in life. I was a happy person with a sense of humour that became a source of delight to others. I loved enjoying my life with my friends. Though I was a person of gentle and kind nature I never thought that I would be a nun.
God’s ways are not our ways. In fact He made me convinced that I am his own through my ill health. I was sick for 4 years with eczema since grade seven. This is the period God prepared me to be a Holy Cross sister though I didn’t realise at first. I felt I was born to suffer. Both my legs from knee to toe were affected. Blankets were used under my legs to absorb the ooze. Sometimes I was sent back home from school because of the ooze. Most of the time I was in the hospital and my family had a very stressful time. In latter years the eczema developed on my face as well. The pain was unbearable. I could not stand and had to be carried to the toilet. For me there was no school or church or any other social involvement. I was bound to the bed. I was awake day and night and my pillows were often soaked with tears. I was allergic to most food and I had to live on milk and rice for 10 months. The bitter herbs I needed to drink made me cry, though I was ready to take anything that would cure me. However no treatment showed signs of healing me.
I could not accept my situation and became angry and frustrated. I felt God was absent from my side and I felt like I was travelling through a dark tunnel in a dense fog in the night. It was a struggle in me feeling abandoned by God, and despair nearly overwhelmed me. I realised my sense of faith vanished and I began to question whether there is a God. This led to passing thoughts of suicide which I expressed to my family. Realising my innermost pain, my parents were sorrowful and felt helpless. Practically daily my mum was up with me overnight consoling and convincing me that God still loved me, which didn’t make sense to me at that moment.
It was one particular night when mum and I had a great conversation. I remember asking her what would be my future. Wouldn’t I be a burden for her if I didn’t get cured, which seemed likely. I saw my mother dropping tears onto my palm. Her answer was, “My child God has a purpose for you. Certainly He will accomplish his plan in you. He acts in most powerful ways”. At that moment crawling in my pain I could not understand her faith. She asked me to repeat the sentence after her, “ Jesus I praise you through my pain”. While repeating the above statement for a few minutes we both fell asleep. The following day she gave me an exercise book and some coloured pencils and asked me to write or draw my emotional anguish.
I just threw all my feeling onto the paper saying to Jesus my position at that moment. I desperately needed His touch, not only physically but also mentally and spiritually. Although it was a one-way dialogue it was a great relief of my long-term burden. After a week I experienced something different in me. I could hear someone repeatedly whispering in my ears, “Child I am with you, rest in me”. I really don’t know how to put in words my feeling at that moment. Regardless of my physical pain there was an inner strength in me to accept my condition. I felt there was relief, and slowly a light was shining in me. The long-term heaviness just disappeared. I realised that I was able to think positively and this became obvious to my family and friends.
It was on a Friday when I expressed to my family that I was no longer going out for treatment, rather Someone was there to treat me. They were all astonished and worried about my decision. After a long time one particular evening mum took me to the nearby church where she opened my written story before the Blessed Sacrament and asked me to look at Jesus. This was the moment the miracle of healing began to happen. There were no words but many things happened. No fear but compassion. No doubts but trust in God alone.
From that day onward I only applied to the wound the oil that was taken from the church. The wound in my face was completely healed within a couple of weeks and my legs were slowly cured after two months. It was incredible to imagine what was taking place. Not only myself but my family, teachers, friends and neighbours could not believe that I was cured. It was evident that God works in most powerful ways. Nothing is impossible with God. Having experienced God’s touch I became a delightful person to others particularly those who are downhearted and questioning God’s love for them. In addition in spite of my 6 months absence from school when I was seriously ill, surprisingly I got through the advanced level exams with the best result. I experienced God’s blessings one after the other.
During the vacation I happened to visit one of my relatives who was admitted to the Holy Cross hospital. I was deeply touched by the Sisters’ love and compassion towards their patients. A couple of visits to this place began to disturb me. This is when I heard Jesus saying, ‘Follow me’. Having studied under nuns from the beginning, I knew about their lifestyle, which I often questioned. Nevertheless I didn’t dream that I would fit into that life. However this time God took possession of me. Particularly having experienced God as my healer, there was an invitation to share the healing with His people, which I couldn’t deny. I was very much discouraged whenever I discussed this with my friends. However I was determined to have an experience with those sisters for a few days, regardless of this discouragement.
Finally I expressed my inner struggle and wish to my family. My father was upset at first; my mother and other siblings were sad thinking of the challenges that I may have to face. To tell you the truth I didn’t even know how to make a cup of tea at that time. Being the youngest and suffering illness, I was very much spoilt. However God’s strength and power kept me stepping forward. It was the first time I had left my family during Christmas when I stayed with those sisters for a few days. My father permitted me to go, believing that I might change my decision on my return after experiencing the lifestyle of that committed life. Certainly it was a heart breaking moment particularly for him when I said that I was joining those sisters.
Without even questioning the challenges ahead of me, I decided to commit myself to God through the Sisters of the Holy Cross and entered on the 16th of August 1987. It was amazing that I learned things quickly and fitted into their way of life delightfully. My experience was God does everything for me and his love is marvellous. I deeply understood the demand of my commitment and was assured often by God saying, ‘Fear not I am with you because you are mine”. People often ask me why I chose this life. I can only say because God called me. I believe He will journey with me till the end of my life.
To quote St. Therese of the Child Jesus,
What pleases God
Is that He sees me
Loving my littleness and my poverty.
The blind hope that I have in His mercy,
That is my own treasure.
Why would this treasure not be yours?
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